“Stoned” on the Radio
March 6, 2009
The unthinkable has happened. I, Chris Collins, long-time denizen of terrestrial radio and award-winning newspaper columnist, has blogger nation.
There goes the neighborhood.
I have no idea what the hell to do with this space, so I thought to get the ball rolling, I’d share some of the colorful stories about life “behind the scenes” on my radio show, “the WHMP Morning News.” And have I got a doozy to get things started.
If you heard the show today, you might not have noticed much difference. We still did the news, mixed in with weather, sports, a variety of timely features intersperced with cutting edge commentary provided by your faithful reporter. But what you don’t (and couldn’t possibly know) is the level of health-related drama that accompanied today’s show.
As you may or may not know, I was hospitalized this summer with a relatively heinous condition related to an ongoing battle with kidney stones, which I guess is God’s of helping make my acension into middle-age a little more interesting. Since my release from Cooley Dickinson Hospital, recurrent attacks have been few and far between (knock wood).
That all came to an end this morning.
It started with a throbbing in my right side that grew progressively worse on my drive in to the station. By the time we got to the 6am news, I was basically doubled over. I couldn’t sit, I could barely stand, and it took everything I had just to get through the hour.
I was just about to bust into my stash of painkillers when the throbbing subsided, and the pain began to migrate south, which meant the stone (or in this case stones) in question was (were) on the move. A burning sensation began to be felt ni an area of the body where you’d rather not have a burning senation, and in between Scott Coen’s sports and the 6:45 feature, I went into the bathroom and blasted out what is, to date, the largest pair of passed kidney stones I have seen since this little odyssey began.
(Quick editors note: ordinarily, this would be the point where I’d post some pictures of these bad boys, but I’m still learning how to work this technology, and I don’t have access to a computer camera. Plus, these things are flat-out gross, and I really don’t want to leave you gagging during my first blog post. There will be plenty of time to gag later.)
Needless to say, I felt much better once the offending presence had been expelled. I wish I could say the same for my “morning alliance” brother Monte, who damn near barfed when I showed him my new creations. Sorry, dude, but you asked for it.
One of the strangest parts of this whole thing is that this isn’t the first time this has happened. In fact, this is the FOURTH time I have passed one or more kidney stones during an air shift. It must be something about this building that draws them out. Hopfeully, my doctor’s will figure out what’s causing these things, but I’m convinced there are three main culprits–chocolate, red meat, and soda, three things that I swore off following my convalesence and have since been eating in more than moderate quanities.
So it’s back on the wagon for me. I’ll keep you posted on how it goes. But for now, try and suppress the image and idea that while you are driving to work or school on any given morning, your faithful radio host may just be doubled over in the bathroom trying to figure out who I managed to piss off to wind up with what is believed to be the most painful medical condition a human can experience outside of childbirth.
Feel free to go back to enjoying that breakfast.
Collins